Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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