God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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