they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
