Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
