Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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