He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
