my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
