Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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