So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
