Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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