I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
