if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
