Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
