oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
