I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
