I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My penis needs a shock collar
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
