The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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