Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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