white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
