I think I am morally bankrupt
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
