so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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