In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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