dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
