I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
