my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I will pee on everything he values.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
