apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
