Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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