I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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