Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
