i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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