did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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