I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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