Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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