An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
