I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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