Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
