I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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