the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
