FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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