there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
