my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
