Redeem this text for a blowjob
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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