He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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