1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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