If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
