Where did you get a picture of my penis
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
