I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
