Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
