she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
