hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
