i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
