I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
