it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
