he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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