my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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