if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
