I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
