Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
