So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize