I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
