i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
